Candid About Confidence

“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

I bet you’ve been asked that before. Would you ever try to get your writing published? Tell your crush how you feel? Run for office?

Too many people, especially young girls, are taught that things are only worth trying if there is some guarantee of success. Failure can seem like a miserable dead end instead of what it actually is — the only path to learning, growth, and confidence.

Girls’ leadership researcher Rachel Simmons flips that question on its head: “What would you do even if you knew you would fail?” Translation: what experiences are worth it, even if the end result isn’t a success?

At Running Start, we train young women to run for office, and our message is that the mere act of running is worth it in and of itself. Regardless of whether you win an election, by running, you are building new skills, expanding your network, and setting yourself up to do better on the next try.

The key to all of this is CONFIDENCE. Lately, lots of people have been talking about it. Earlier this year, Rachel Simmons released Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Happy, Healthy and Fulfilling Lives. Katty Kay and Claire Shipman just translated their groundbreaking research for a new audience with The Confidence Code for Girls. Pop stars are even singing about it. This July, Running Start is holding a summit on how to build political confidence by learning from failure.

But what does confidence and failure mean to actual young women? We sat down with four of Running Start’s high school summer interns to see how they see confidence affecting their everyday lives.

What does being confident look like to you?

Caroline: To be confident is to be self-assured and to believe in yourself. Confidence manifests itself in a number of ways, from being outspoken, to not being afraid to present your ideas, to being a leader. To have confidence is to know and to accept who you are.

Sidney: I relate confidence to passion. I’ve found that those who are passionate about something are more confident than those who aren’t. For some people, confidence is a terrifying concept, but if you are truly passionate about something, whether it be derivatives or Charles Dickens, the passion is able to override the fear, and will make you confident.

Mallory: To me, being confident means being able to trust in myself and my abilities. Confidence means presenting my ideas without disclaimers that undermine their credibility. Growing up, I often thought I had to know all the answers or speak the loudest to be confident. However, I now see confidence as being able to take ownership of my strengths while also being comfortable enough to ask questions, learn, and take risks.

Maia: I guess confidence to me is more about unapologetically being myself, and less about not caring what people think about me. I think that this distinction is key because it makes the idea of confidence much more accessible to everyone.

How would you rate your current overall confidence level?

Caroline: Overall I am a fairly confident person. I am generally outgoing, and I feel comfortable in large crowds. I have never felt afraid to speak up in either social or academic situations. I am a take-charge person, and often will be the first to step into a leadership position if given the chance.

Sidney: It depends on the situation. Outside of social situations, I would say that I am extremely confident. It takes a lot of self-confidence in order to attend college abroad, and I’m not scared to speak up for myself in a professional setting. When it comes to social situations, I’m timid, but I’m working on it.

Mallory: I would say that my self-confidence is a work in progress. I often catch myself second-guessing my decisions or doubting my argument if someone in class disagrees with me. However, throughout high school, I’ve gained a greater awareness of these habits and have consciously pushed myself outside of my comfort zone by doing things like running for student government. Today, I’m confident in my academic skills and enjoy embracing new experiences.

Maia: I honestly don’t think I would rate it pretty high. I’m a pretty nervous person and having any sort of attention makes me uncomfortable. However, I do think that since the beginning of high school my confidence has grown tremendously. I have many people to thank for that and I am now someone who is even comfortable bragging about myself.

Do you see a difference between the boys’ and girls’ confidence in high school?

Caroline: In my experience, boys and girls my age have very different levels of confidence. This is especially obvious in an academic setting. Girls tend not to answer questions in class unless they are 100% sure they are correct, whereas boys will just throw out an answer. Girls are afraid to be incorrect in front of a group of people; boys aren’t. In social settings, I feel that young men and women are equally likely to speak with confidence.

Sidney: I would say that there definitely is a difference between boys’ and girls’ confidence in high school. Confidence levels depend on the individual, but generally speaking, the boys are more confident socially while the girls are more confident academically. I think this divide has more to do with perfectionism than anything else; the boys aren’t afraid to make mistakes, leading them to take more risks, while the girls spend a tremendous amount of time perfecting their work.

Mallory: Though I attend an all-girls high school, I participate in weekly Government Club meetings with my brother school. At these meetings, I’ve noticed that the boys give speeches more frequently, and they also frequently do so with little to no notes. In contrast, some of the girls, including myself, feel reluctant to talk unless they have done prior research or have a fully written and edited speech. I think this difference reflects how women often internalize the pressure to be perfect and, as a result, don’t feel confident enough to just stand up and speak their minds.

Maia: I don’t think that there is a difference in the level of confidence between to two, but I think that the boys, that I know at least, all seem to show their confidence a lot more. Meanwhile, the women I know have this wonderful secret confidence that I think they don’t exude as much in everyday life.

How does failure affect your confidence? How do you rebuild your confidence after failing?

Caroline: In school and in sports, we are taught to avoid failure at all costs. There is an incredible pressure to never fail at anything. This means that when people do fail, it is often a huge blow to their confidence. However, failure can in fact be helpful. Succeeding after having failed over and over again can increase your confidence immensely.

Sidney: I find that failure often helps me gain the confidence necessary to not fail in the same capacity again. Oprah once said that, “failure is a great teacher, and if you are open to it, every mistake has a lesson to offer.” I’m a life-long learner, it’s in my DNA. My great-aunt was Superintendent of two counties and her life philosophy taught me to develop a deep appreciation of learning. I don’t think anyone is eager to fail, but I’m definitely eager to learn, and that love of learning helps me to rebound from failure without diminishing my confidence.

Mallory: Simply put, failure never feels good. In the moments and even days after the experience, failure has, for sure, negatively altered my confidence. I distinctly remember one interview that didn’t go as well as I had hoped. When asked about what I could contribute to the program, I found that I could not talk about my own skills. At first, I felt defeated and embarrassed. However, it’s crucial to me to view failures as opportunities to learn. I sat down with one of my mentors, and we discussed what went well and what didn’t during the interview. Her support helped rebuild my confidence. She also told me not to let one experience discourage me. Sometimes the only way to build confidence and comfort is through experience.

Maia: I think when dealing with failure there are short term effects and long-term effects. In the short-term yes, it might bruise your ego and hurt your confidence. However, I also think that the great thing about confidence is that it grows, so the failure will help you learn and in the end make you a much more confident person.

 

Caroline, Sidney, Mallory, and Maia are high school seniors gaining professional experience at Running Start as part of special senior year projects.

Caroline Tornquist will attend Dartmouth College in the fall. The most recent thing to boost her confidence was having her prom photos featured on her friend’s body positivity Instagram account.

Sidney Hobbs will attend the University of St Andrews in the fall. The most recent thing to boost her confidence was her Cum Laude induction in April.

Mallory Moore will attend the University of Chicago in the fall. The most recent thing to boost her confidence was a hug from her sister.

Maia Paz will attend Georgetown University in 2019. The most recent thing to boost her confidence was giving an award acceptance speech.

 

With Jessica Kelly, Leadership & Programs Director at Running Start.